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Beards, betting and Bob Katter
Topic Started: Sep 7 2010, 03:00 PM (66 Views)
stacey
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Malcolm Knox

If only there had been a suspicious betting plunge on none of Melbourne, Parramatta, Souths, Brisbane or Manly having a chance in the NRL finals. But nobody could have been that silly. To predict their absence, you’d have needed the combined clairvoyance of Ryan Tandy and Mazheer Majid.

Clearly I am no betting cheat, having selected five of those teams, along with the Dragons, to comprise the top six. For the record, Penrith, Canberra, the Roosters and the Tigers were all in my bottom six. And I backed Pakistan to romp home in the Sydney Test match.

So with that form as my credential, I herewith offer the useless ignoramus’s guide to what will happen in the NRL finals.

Manly, attentive readers might have noted, are still there in the technical sense that they will be playing this Sunday. But their presence in the final is like an error message on your computer – something’s gone wrong, they’re not meant to be there, and after your system crashes the offending body will have been wiped.

Manly, without Glenn or Brett Stewart, Shane Rodney, David Williams, Steve Matai, possibly Jason King, or a fit Anthony Watmough, Matt Ballin or Kieran Foran, are not Manly. I thought, when Melbourne were quashed, Manly would win the comp. Manly would have. The 17 who will line up against St George on Sunday will be wearing the Manly jersey, but there the resemblance ends. The old adage of ‘the season starts again in the finals’ will have to be suspended for the Manly-Dragons match.

The lack of decent opposition will be the first of St George Illawarra’s problems. Their danger match is in the third week of the finals. They’ll be playing someone like the Roosters or the Tigers, or worse still Canberra, who are red-hot after winning the previous week. The Dragons, by then, won’t have had a tough match in more than a month. And they’re the Dragons in September. Warning, warning.

These finals are so fascinating because the teams’ strengths are also their weaknesses. The white wall of the Dragons’ defence is well built for semifinal pressure, but as they showed last year, when a defensively-minded team falls behind, a white wall isn’t going to help them catch up. If the Dragons can play from in front, they’ll deserve their premiership favouritism. If they fall behind, it’s hello 31 winless years.

The Roosters, conversely, can score from anywhere and also concede points from anywhere. I predict the score in their match this Friday against the Tigers to be 53-52, decided in the last minute by a field goal from the sideline ricocheting off two players’ heads and a swinging tattooed arm. Whose is anyone’s guess.

The most balanced team appears to be the Titans. They have the best halfback in Scott Prince, and a peerless coach, John Cartwright. They have the fastest winger, Kevin Gordon, the best bloke, Preston Campbell, and the most inked individual (Mat Rogers by a short half serpent from Todd Carney). What’s not to like? Nothing. And nobody south of the Tweed seems to think they’ll win.

The Warriors have beards again. This is a point of some relevance, because whenever they have beards they make a good run at the premiership. Yet with beards, they have not actually won. Is there a spot-fixing market on facial hair? On acne? My money’s on the Warriors to come out bald in the third week of the finals and get flogged.

Which leaves the Panthers and Canberra, to play on Saturday. Matt Elliott, who must be the best coach in the history of rugby league if you divide results by available talent, deserves a premiership more than any coach aside from Brian Smith. Elliott’s coached both Penrith and Canberra, and they both play scintillating rugby league, like Toyota Cup teams motoring on sheer exuberance. I hope they both win.

In fact, I hope they all win:

The Roosters for Smith – what a fairytale!

The Warriors for quake-stricken Christchurch – fairytale!

The Raiders for their povo club – fairytale!

The Dragons for their supporters – can’t begrudge them that!

The Titans for Campbell, Rogers, Hoss Cartwright and all the other members of the Top Blokes’ Club (only as long as Bird the Turd misses the grand final with suspension). Fairytale!

The Panthers for Elliott – fairytale!

Manly – well, if Manly win the NRL I will walk naked in the spoon position with Bob Katter from Bourke to Birdsville. That’s a fairytale in anyone’s language.

But what’s really going to happen? Dragons, Warriors, Roosters and Panthers to win this weekend. Gold Coast and Tigers the second weekend. Tigers and Panthers the third weekend. Tigers the grand final. Or something like that. Lucky my betting account’s empty.
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